pierced.

This is what seems to break apart: a heart of a young man.

“Why the rest received those information? Why didn’t you? Is it because you are bad. May be she looked down on you. May be she thinks you don’t need it. And why didn’t you study hard enough last few days? Huh? Why did you now come and ask for help? Didn’t you know your time? Your planning?”

“And why did that person didn’t reply you?”
Studying hard maybe?
“Really? Studying hard? Then why that person text others?”
Um, I… dunno.
“Maybe … likes that person, not you.”
So wat?
“So wat? You know yourself.”
No, it’s not true…we waved good-byes just now, both smiled…
“then, does that mean anything?”
…
“Why did your friends don’t talk to u these days?”
exams…
“really?”
…
“can you grow up? And stop pouring more on your sister when your dad try teaching her.”
I…
“is that love for your sister? You prayed for peace for family, yet now you are stirring for troubles”
…

Demonized...

My heart pierced. Deeply. Deeply hurt. Is it because of me of all these? Is it me, my fault? Too hurt to cry.

I messaged my dear brother who messaged me to encourage me for tomorrow’s Bio paper. Telling him my feelings as brief as possible. And before that I wanted to encourage a dear sister of mine, but…
“Don’t you feel odd? Hypocrites… You yourself got problem, now want to encourage others? What you think you are? Busybody.”
No, those aren’t really my problems.
“They aren’t?!!”

STOP, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I messaged both of them, telling both my thoughts, rather than thankyous, encouragements, or whatever… all kinds of voices I heard, but I am not hearing of it, I sent out all I could describe with that 12 keys on my phone…

Then encouragements came in, slowly, yet my heart is still bleeding. I couldn’t say much, those messages, with love. But I just, I couldn’t give proper response. I’m too tired to flip another page of Bio, too tired.

I asked my sis’ help, she refused. What can I say? Knees down, head bowed. Only the Lord is with me. On bed, soon after, I woke up and find myself alone in the quietness, 1 o’clock in the morning. I wanted to wake up at 12, but well, 1 o’clock is still good. Thank God. Though sleeping did not help much, the Lord does give me some rest by it. I woke up, found two messages: one with much encouragement, and the other was asking whether I want to talk on the phone and she’ll keep praying for me. I was much better by then, so I said that prayer is what I need now.

Few pages of Bio, on bed again, my dear bro asked me what time I will wake up. ‘4:30, why?’ ‘I’ll call u to pray’ ‘thanks.’ This is the love of a brother.

Woke up at 4:45, miscall one, when I just received the message delivery report, he called, we prayed. Was way better by then. Though little that he understands my problem, he did all he could, the best he could, prayed for me, intercede for me to the Creator of Heaven and Earth.

Bio, although I didn’t manage to cover all, didn’t really study much, but I believed, His peace carried me through. I didn’t dread, neither do I become distress. His peace was with me.

Now to reflect by it, if it wasn’t the love of the brother, I would have still battling. But wait… much more than that. If it wasn’t His love and His personal care and watching over His children, my friend wouldn’t prayed with me at 4:30.

Now I remembered, there was once, when I text an auntie, not knowing she was in Australia, about my problems, without much waiting, she called me, WHILE SHE WAS IN ANOTHER COUNTRY!! I don’t care if you say IDD cheap or what, what I know is, this is the love of a church inspired by LOVE. Now to reflect back those days, when I used to talk with siblings till midnight, prayed through the ticking sound of 12 o’clock. How many times, at the moment I need people the most, He sent His children with His care, to comfort a soul like mine.

It took me few months after d’na to learn the importance of church. CHURCH ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN I COULD LEARN IN FEW MONTHS. Although the officer gave us a night lecture, I got the wrong message. But my roommate spoke up in reunion, about that night lecture, I finally realized.

If not the church, my family would have still been a broken one. Without Him, there would be no church. If not His love, there would not.

Just a detachment from my journal:

“Son, know this,
it could never hurt you more than it hurts ME,
Did I not myself let these test come upon you,
Seeing you cried because of this and not understand,
Is my heart not broken?
When you shed your tears, I shed MY blood, just to give you the best, with joy and hope.
Did you not remember? I once told you that I will always be with you, My Spirit will always be with you.
Did I not uphold you with My Righteous Right Hand?
Have Peace, My Peace,
My Peace I give to you, not as the world gives.”

And the other day,

“What have I done, Lord?
“It’s not what you’ve done,
but who you are, to ME, son.”
This speaks all, of Him and His love.

Exodus 19:4-6, “…You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles’ wings… …” see how our God speaks, a personal way of speaking, is there anyone one like Him who would speak to the creations? Throughout the whole Bible!! For more 4000 years, personally and comforting, direct speech of the Creator to His creations, and finally, with a human vocal chords, spoke words like “and surely I am with you always, to the very end of age.” (Matthew 28:20b) and many other more like “My peace I give to you, not as the world give” “Come to ME, all you who are weary and heavy-laden.” And many can testify now, how He has constantly been faithful to us, isn’t it?

He understands and He knows. To God be the glory, amen.

[Declaration: These are written by a young man, reliable or not, to be confirmed. I just want to use this to thank my brothers and sisters, my family and my friends, my prayer partner, and most importantly, of where all my blessings come from, my Father above, that's all this message is about. :) If you felt uncomfoortable with it, let me know asap, so that I could change, I do not want to cause any discomfort due this.thank you for your co-operation, (I know it's a bit lame, but I meant it!)]

[I think I should go read my Physics now.>.<]

one of the weeks of blessing.

Interviews, applications, waiting, decisions, and hopes.

We make decisions everyday of our life. What to wear, what to eat, which mascara to be put on, which restaurant to go to, which tuition to go for or drop, the subject to take or drop and the next place where we’ll be going to, as well as how we're going to live for next 60 yrs, 40 yrs or 10 0r 20 yrs. Purpose-driven? Prayer-driven? And this is especially real for me and my family as my sister is going to finish her primary education this November and I’ll be soon going to take my SPM and choose another step towards my calling in the near future. And decisions are real important, and I think this statement, though it’s not totally true, but do have few percentage of truth in it.

“Where we are now, actually is the results of the many decisions we’ve made in the past, despite our destiny.”

Purpose.

Sometimes we do not have any idea about why we are making this decision or that. Sometimes we do not look far; sometimes we do not think about at all our purpose of life when we make big decisions like: what course I should take after this.

I’ve been applying for further education since early of this year. Few weeks ago I went for two interview, two different scholarship interview sessions. Praise God for the chances. And well, cut it short, we are supposed to be notified this week. And this week, was really a week of life. It was more than dramatic though, read it, and you’ll know why I’ve said this.

27th SEPT – 2nd OCT 09-

On Sunday, I was kind of troubled after a show, wondering, how many times I have to fight the Young Man’s battle of lust. And I have a talk with my d’NA roommate, he was such a blessing – mature, stable, wise. Thank God for that. He spoke to me about God’s deliverance of him and the salvation that he had learnt of Jesus. And I realize, I’ve actually not realize that, I’ve been fighting on my own many times, and each time I did so, I failed. And he told me these, “Salvation is the supernatural work of God to transform you from a creature who loves sin to a one who hates sin and loves God and the things of God.” “It’s not our work, but God’s transformation. It’s no point of saying the sinner’s prayer and inviting the Lord into our lives and after that go on our own without letting Him to transform our lives,” he added.

Monday, I went with such gladness in my heart, praying and asking God to transform me. Amazingly, miraculously, whatever you prefer, my results were shockingly better than I thought of. Hallelujah, hee~ you know, SPM trial wasn’t as easy as a piece of cake kay. Believe it or not, it was God, not me; it was prayers, not tips. :)

Tuesday I do not know why, seriously, I was so troubled all day long, even after sleep, even when I’m reading the Bible, I’ve no heart for it. I was really emotionally unstable, don’t ask me why, I don’t know. I requested for prayers.

“-Let it go. No point choosing the second best. God’s will is still the best, since He knows everything, yes, everything; He knows what you’ll need in your life, and how you can enjoy life at its best.”

And three days ago, two of my friends who went for the scholarship interview I too went, received the phone call, notifying that they have been selected for it. Well, one of them told me about it the next morning. And I was so troubled at first. But at second thought, I was reminded of an encounter with a voice:
-
It was after the interviews when this happens. I’ve once thought of studying theology, psychology and medicine. I know, it sounds… But, after some time, I realize it was impossible to study 3 things at one time, 3 totally distinct things, though you may say, not really, since theology is related to psychology, and psychology is related to medicine, but still, if I really do these, I think I might become a customer before I become a psychologist, just joking. And so I said to myself, remembering that a d’NA officer once said to me, if you finish study the whole Bible and the study notes, and understood it, you’re actually qualified as a theologian. So, “Raymond,” I say, “Go finish studying your whole Bible before anything else.”

But after that, people asked me about what I am going to study next time, each time I remembered theology. And many people, those I’ve told that I might study theology and those I’ve not, came asking me what about theology, my relatives, my teacher, my friends, etc. Even STM people came to our church and talked about theology. Although I sometimes wonder, but I’ve never mentioned about theology as one of the option ever since. And for application, career aspiration, I dropped it out. And after the interviews, when people asked me, I once thought about it again, and so I said to the Lord, if it is your will and your calling, show me it is. “What kind of sign?” “Is it okay if I closed the way that leads to others? You don’t get scholarships, or you failed in any application other than for theology, is it okay with you?” that was the voice. I thought, for a moment, consider it, and I said, “Ok, let this be.”
-
So, after recalling it, I was overwhelmed, I felt I’m not ready, no, I’m not prepared to let go of my friends who will never understand and will soon be lost if I study theology. I’m not ready to give up other dreams, plans, and interests. Which way will I be going? Settling down for a moment, I begin to realize, how hard it is to let go. Although I realize all those that I’ve mentioned were vanities: dreams, plans, people who will never understand you, for these I can’t keep. Not even my life on earth. So, finally, I got up, okay, if it’s Your calling, prepare me to go for it.

“He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, and gains what he cannot lose.”
-Jim Elliot, martyr for Christ’s love.

Let it go, let it go, Jesus ask me let it go.

But, more amazingly, while I was troubled so much and emotionally unstable for the day before, after that what happened on Wednesday, I was well and sound. All fine. Way better!! Praise God.

And while I continued to find God’s calling for me, I got some application form from the counselor of my school, which are for scholarships to go Australia. But this time, I was different, I was reluctant to apply them, unlike before, I would try all my best to seek as many opportunities as possible. I was in fact, in confusion. But I did not decide on the spot.

But today, Friday, I reached home earlier than usual, I was bored, so I watched a show, though I got a feeling a I shouldn’t watch, I’ve got better things to do. But anyway, I sinned, another long story. But after that I went, prayed, read the Bible. Then, after a while, I took a nap, and guess what woke me up, kay, it’s ‘who’ wakes… my maid woke me up, but why? “I’m calling from HELP University College; I called you to tell you that you have been selected for… …”

That was the story, kinda long-winded, but I think I didn’t leave out anything…hee~
-
Theology, may be now it’s not the timing. May be in the future, He will call me to. :)

Continue praying~

Masterpiece.

Like a fool, had everything, but with an empty soul. Hungering, desiring a heart satisfied.
I had been wondering what I had done: wondering, have I ever done what is right before You our GOD, hoping that I have been more a blessing than hurts. Wondering have I failed You and vain Your grace upon me. Hoping, to have a life to its fullest.

As I walked day by day, pride accumulate, things get into Your way. Decisions, mine, no longer Yours. The Christmas gift almost 2 years ago, the commitment I had always been making, I seems to have forgotten. Am I of anything? But dusts on the ground, without You, am I of anything? If not Your love that searched me, I am but a worm, dead by now.

Friends of my life, you could not have believe what Raymond was, if not the touch on my heart. I might be a man without vision, a loafer without purpose, unmarked criminals hurting others, an ungrateful hypocrite, and a dying soul, destroying his and others’ lives. Perverse, not-to-be forgiven, meaningless, useless. My life was made in Him, my weakness perfected in His strength, I found my hope in Christ, my purpose to live on. My strength to walk on. Remembering how He persevered to walk the Calvary's road just to love me, love you. That the last darkness in life would be gone.

-

And I now, though I have been walking in Your salvation, singing Your freedom songs, I always took over the driver’s seat, trying to drive my own life. Have I not remember, the days of Your hands, that led me through my darkest moments into a bright new Day in my life?

“Raymond = God’s masterpiece.”
You bet! Me? Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

13TH SEPT 2009 – I have been really tired after two weeks of trials. And when I closed my books, and sometimes, wander off into my own thoughts. I felt really tired, wondering, have I done what is right so far? Have I been honoring Who I should have honored? I felt my soul getting drier; I no longer have that “oomph” to walk on. Heads down, knees on the ground, no tears to cry. Seeking for moisture for my soul in this walk of Sahara. So, I prayed, “God, bring me back to You.”

As I walked on into the service, I felt dry, nothing in my heart, or, everything is in my head, I was telling my friend about it, and while I was almost going to send a really desperate message to my someone, it sounded like this: “too much a feeling to bear, too many thoughts of mine, too hard to continue, too difficult to decide; I’m left with nothing, no hope, no strength, no place to stand, all except Christ, nothing but His perseverance to love us.” . I almost send it, when the Holy Spirit spoke to me, “wait.” And so I wait. You couldn’t believe what exactly had happened next.

Dr Alex spoke on “essential ingredients for spiritual growth”, and he showed us, some trees actually lived, thousands of years. Some was even there through the years when our Lord walked on Earth. He spoke to us, that we actually, being renewed in Christ, lack nothing to grow, but sometimes, we just forgotten who we are. We sometimes are like Eagles living among chicks, have the ability to soar, but thought we couldn’t. And last of all in a video, I cried.

I have been wondering: what am I actually? I have no talents like Hannah Montana or any other. I have been looking at others playing musical instruments, while I am a music-idiot, perhaps because of the indifference towards music after a slap on the face by my standard 1 music teacher. “Excuses” sometimes I would tell myself. I planned what I wanted to do. I hoped give something to my friend in a Bible study, yet I felt I leave him question mark. I wanted, I planned, I desired, I longed. Going with ME headfirst, I have been waking up, feeling like a failure, “Raymond, you have failed again. Again and again.” I do not know really where I am heading with my life.

And in the 10 minutes video, God spoke to me, “Hey, you are my masterpiece, who do you think you are? I don’t make junk.” And I couldn’t hold my tears. I don’t know why, but just that He is, always there when I need someone to cry with. “Not those talents dear son, not those things that you wanted, but you and Me, in this walk.” And one essential ingredient is, our response. What have been? Come on Raymond, it is not about you, not about your work; but about God’s story of you, about God’s work!

Could you imagine, an Emperor, a Father, owning everything, but also gives you everything. A King, yet would leave His throne, to call you His brother. To die for You.

All the walls in my heart was broken, strongholds torn down. And I’m freed, once again, to sing salvation songs.

And I wrote these down, don’t really know how it sounds, but well, more like a prayer, my prayer is that,

“our God’s name be honored,
His people be filled with love.
And I pray I would love God, not just by loving me myself, but would love God by loving others, by loving God. And with whatever strength that I’m left, I’ll commit my soul back to You now. Amen.”

And my song that I jotted down last Sunday, (:

My heart trembles away,
My soul wanders away,
at the sight of Your love,
I’m back in one piece.

Is that what we’re destined to be?
Are we always a fail,
have we ever forget,
Your joy and your peace?

Have we ever wonder,
when we look at ourselves,
are we nothing but shells,
a man without soul, and
a life without love.

Have the pride taken control,
Have our freedom songs cease?

Have the song of grateful hearts,
leave without a sign?

Teach us come back to You,
Chisel out the sin in our life.
Take it all it takes,
we give You all we are.

Make us Your masterpiece, as it is Your plan!
Make us Your masterpiece, once again!!

Refine our souls.
Make it for the Day,
the Day when trials come,
and swords will shed blood,
eyes will shed tears.

Let us never be afraid,
of the man that sheds blood,
but cannot do to our souls,
any of it.

But let us rejoice,
as we make our lives Yours,
let Your church be filled with love,
as the song we praise, make it dear to You.

Abba Father, our Potter,
take our lives from the miry clay,
make us anew into Your great plan,
make us the salt and the light,
In the world of darkened souls.

Let us discern Your call,
Let us never forget,
Who brought us to the Solid Rock,
in this crushing away,
of the current of the world.

I'll always love You. :)

Just another word.

I woke up again, then fell, then really woke up from my sin.
------------------------------------------------------------

"His divinity is equal to the Father, His humanity is submissive to the Father"

-by a d'na officer.

I couldn't really understand why man are sometimes so fickle, somehow unfaithful. I understand the part where lust is a young man's battle, but I don't understand why, given the red lights, warnings, reminders, memories of the past, I still somehow lose it.

Its answer remains an unknown to me till I was impressed by the Holy Spirit where the above quote flash through my mind and stay in it. My heart of wonder, satisfied.

It's not about my strength or my ability. Not that those who failed are weaker. I realised soon after, it's because my will of taking control, instead of letting Him to. I took over the authority, manage it, trying to handle it with my own hands. He never hold back from us, our freedom of freewill each human has. But He also given us the knowledge of what's right and what's wrong, I supposed it's called conscience. It became more and more blunt as we dismiss it time after time. But the gift of the Holy Spirit sharpens it, as we come with a humble heart, as we repent.

I know full well, if I were called to marriage, God certainly provide. I don't have to do what I did, imagine, seek, anxious, worry, fantasised and what's worst that you could think of. Only if, I were submissive. Surely the Creator of universe and the One who promises perfect love have a perfect plan for us. Then it sums up to this question: who can take care of my life better, more fruitful? God or me?

Christ was a perfect example, as human, He faced much temptation as well, but tempted in everyway, still sinlessly paid the sin of the people He created and loved. Why? I believed it's the word - submissive.

This morning, as many other, I have heard many times of the phrase "budaya Barat", it was used so many times in such context that I don't know how many people have the impression that: western culture = bad. Well, I beg to differ. Where does the practice of Father's and Mother's Day started from, where does Children's Day started from? Abraham Lincoln was from the West. Mother Teresa as well. I do not think the problem lies with geography, nor because of the difference in culture, but he similarities of man's desire for evil - self-centredness.

We know full well we need authority over us, but we go against it. Laws, companies, school, even parents. But we want our ways.

As to question of whether the westerners are righfully accused, I supposed you've the answer. By both history and present times.

kay, sidetrack. keep it up. God bless, take care.

better go study my physics now, love yea. (:

Before trial.

the feeling of stepping into the field battling again, the battle of honesty and of one's integrity, discipline for commitment, besides the stacks of book and inks. [gulp] most likely this will be my last blog before SPM trial. wow. [you must be wondering why am I so free =.=]

nah, I couldn't believe and stand in amazement of the story of life tht my God have brought me to this far. From the fear of loneliness, dirty sins, to hear Him speaking forgiveness personally, to each challenges that He constantly brought me through in victory in these few years..

I'm not a good student or what. God has been real good to me. And to me, if anyone of you can remember about last year co-curricular day, with my terrible voice and commands, getting a runners-up was more than just a miracle to me. And I cannot remember by now, how many times that I faced great challenge before each evnt that I was involved in, just take the BK Quiz two weeks ago as an example, yea, partnering with my friend from another school whom I've never met, sick throughout the whole trip, and to those who knows, God has been my strength when I'm weak!

and last week, it has been a struggle for me, with pride, with myself. While I was still wondering what is Dr. Chuah's message of God of our struggle, I suddenly was stunned of it: Isn't it what I've been facing all these while? I like the picture he's given: see how the butterfly struggle through the cocoon and fly. If the cocoon is cut open to ease the butterfly's struggle, it 'll never fly, it'll be so swollen that it will just crawl for the rest of its life. And the story of Jacob., God graciously touched him and made him realise who he is.

I was impressed again by the story of the lost sheep, the lost coin and the lost son. Am I not the lost sheep that wander at the edge of the cliff? Am I not the lost coin or the lost son, that was dead but no alive? Indeed, God is the one who's waiting, who is faithful enough to put down His robe and to give us the ring of promise, to search high and low for the unfaithful me, and to bring me back again to the circle of grace.

And to think about my family. How many wars was resolved in prayer? How many times, God has turned things out in peace?

And the exam period, when I chose to trust Him and no one else, and nothing else, how much He blessed me with? Indeed, to God be all glory!!

Just to reminisce Uncle Ch'ng (our youth advisor) 's story of peer pressure, it was a great story that I think it's worth sharing: there was this girl [I couldn't remember the name], who refuse to lower her principles. So she faced much mocking, much teasing and became a subject of humiliation by other girls in a party. With all integrity, she stood and said:

"At any moment from now, I can go to the back of any car and be like what you
are; but at anytime from now to the end of your life, you can never be what I
am."

This word have been much of my encouragement to face pressure of all kinds. And you too will take a moment of thought for this.

In Christ alone, my hope is found, here in the blood of Christ I stand. ~

i'm nt alone. sought out by a King's hand.

Really tired, I feel like as if I'm walking through Sahara dessert. Worst of all, feel like walking it, alone. Not that this is first time. Not that I've escaped from the feeling last time I faced it, but I've come with some help from above, and overcome it. And now? I wonder how did I.

My class wasn't big. My friends circle? [gulp] Should be quite big. Perhaps that's the problem, quite big. I wonder is it becouse there are many in that circle, or just the few are not close. Know the state of matter? Yeah, I just wonder is it because it's high in volume, or just - low in density.

"I've had enough, that's it, why isn't there any friends that would at least talk to me? Yes, talk to me and don't care whether I'll answer. Talk to me, initiate the conversation. It's have been real long time since the time someone initiate to relate to me - text me before I text them, ask me before I hint, comfort me before I groan and cry [these words really don't mean you should]. Intimidation, the word I learnt yesterday, and it no longer became a stranger to me, just today.

So small, so insignificant, whether I'm here or not, it makes no difference, the class has no place for me, my friends seem to leave a line before they leave me at a corner, the dark, cold, lonely place. I've become non-existant, I've become the forgotten.

Don't they realise that I need their care and concern? Don't they see that I'm lonely? Talk to me then. Why, have I done wrong? Have I acted as if I'm high and holy? Have I pretend? Have I acted? Have I stain myself with wrong attitude? Then let me know, don't just leave me alone. Why each one of them have their own group, own circle, but not so with me? It leaves me to wonder, why, and what have I done wrong."

"Jesus, Jesus, have they rejected me because I believe in You, or have they push me away because of what I say? or because I've really done wrong? I know I'm not alone, I know not abandoned, I know You're with me, but, why?"

"Raymond, raymond, why have you forgotten those years before? Have you forgotten those times when your friends love you, those times that your friend celebrate your existance, remember the time when you just said a word, see how they responded? They, if you remember, would come from afar, some in town, some from other places, just to celebrate. And each message that they wrote, didn't each of them make you cry? Why do you listen to the voice of the downfall, the deception of loneliness? The lies of rejection? You have the humility word, didn't you? Not to think about yourself so much, but rather think about others, perhaps you've think about others, and now you feel dry, and drained. Perhaps you've stop receiving the Love your Father gave. Think about Christ. Who are you to let Him put His robe and save you, even it demands His blood? Who are you, a once nobody, to let God treat you as somebody. Not to mentioned the time when you are ungrateful. Not to mentioned the things you've done without any regard of the One who loves you. And those who love you. Think about your friends, your parents, your brothers and sisters in Christ, they loved you, don't they?huhh?"

"And I love you."

That voice. It's just too familiar. My soul knows it. My heart remembers it. And did I? did I really forgotten? Why have I lose sight of Christ then?

I did much worse, isn't " think about Christ" the message I wanted to send yesterday night? I did remmeber, though many times I've failed, distracted by what I'm suppose to see, the voice of God, I would promise, have never been distant for my evenings of despair.

Gladness. The "too glad" feeling, remember?

Life is so much brighter. Joyous. Memorable. Now I'll smile. And I praise You, God!

When the dawn comes, darkness pass, who will I remember? Will I remember the gentle hand that was upon me? And the many, yes many, that stood beside me?

[PS: I love you all, kay? No grudge on any of you, seriously. Each of you made part of my life. =)]

in between the future and the past.

too many thoughts to be typed, too many words.

Life have been great, whenever I failed, they took me by the hand, hold me, and encourage me. I have never mention any of their names, I've never blog about them, who are they? they are - the people that made up the Big puzzle of my life, which was in a mess. And my Cornerstone? in whom my whole life was organized, led, belong, and completed by.

today, I stand in between the future and the past, looking at my life. and now what am I, trying to answer the question where I am. can i answer lyk how my dear buddy for almost a decade who could asked that question and yet answered with such confidence- walking towards God.

the feeling of losing focus on God - dry, deadly. and days ahead would be too big a giant for me. I wonders how many times I've not been faithful. Although I've had a broken life, nevertheless He have my hand held near, as He always does. the nevertheless.

more than a friend, more than a brother, more than a lover, is my God. and each time they mentioned these three words, I felt like crying. why? if anyone know my life, he would understand it.

and as I walked the streets of city square, on the stairs, I saw the those that depressing faces, holding used cups in their hands, broken leg, hand full of sores, broken lives. I can't help but thought of what my dear friend said in debriefing: in a camp, in eight ours we shared lives; but in our lives, in how many moments have we shared hearts with people everyday we see. serving us for two years, have we ever cared? perhaps we could try.

Try? In a camp, we know we are on a mission, we let down everything, we do it. In our life, are we not commisioned? yet what have had my life? the reluctance to let down everything, especially pride. yeas, pride. the person rider. the feeling of thinking getting down is equal to losing what is under us.

transformer 2, well, though I've had many lessons, this one I couldn't help but keep thinking it: we always thought we can save ourselves. I'm not saying that transformer is in any way truthful.
but the pride, yes, the pride, have us placed too high, we thought we can handle it. not to say that confidence is wrong, but saying, know your limits, know where you are heading, know where you are.

knees bowed, what about my heart?

If a master would care for his servants, so deeply that he don't mind calling them his friends, even brothers, what about the servants? are they not ought to love each other? is it too hard for a servant to hug the brothers' arm?

If a King would tie the servant's towel around His waist, lowered down below knees level, reches out with His hands and washed a fisherman's feet, can I not to do the same?

freely received, freely give.

[and do I need to mention who are you that are in my life, making the puzzle of my life?I keep you in my prayer.]

Jesus loves us!! =)

weakness, we all have.

As I read Max's book, I was so troubled, and finally, resolved, I was discovering myself, my weakness.

I have been really troubled by this actually, it taunts me, it flooded my mind times after times when I see what my peers did (although it wasn't a good-thing that they did it, but still..). I wonder why since young I'm so having phobia over it. Each touch of it could excite goosebums all over my body. Yaik.

Just last weekend, I was so distracted by it, in fact many days of my life it had cause me to be closed in a box, perhaps 2 by 2 by 2 cubic feet. It makes me forget about everything, I don't know why at all. And it leads me to many misdeeds or sins, whichever you prefer to call it, months ago, whenever it tempts me, I'm, well, overpowered by it, ruled, and then reduced to a deeply guilt strickened soul.

Yet, last weekend, I made a deal, okay, or pledge of my heart, my heart was raised, head lifted, I know, even if they are good, or hot, or whatever, get to nerves and hormones, it's not important, for man sees things, and man may plan, but God decides his step. So, that's it. I'll focus.

And the Sunday sermon was a thrust, I don't really know why, but for many times, it resounds, and deal with just the exact thing I've been questioning and facing. As the other time, when I ask and wonder: Angels? What are they?. okay, sidetrack again, it thrusts me, enforce me to a height that my heart can fixed that, Jesus Christ, my lover is all who matters.

And now to remember it, there was once, half a year after a class, only I realised the lesson taught in that class, everyone have disabilities, since the very first pot dropped by its own, the inner of it always have a crack. That was what I learnt in first year community service which I was assigned to talk to strangers in a shopping complex, after talking with the officer after that, impressed by his insights, I was brought to think: why is it easier for me to talk to people I don't know in the homes of the disabled, and not those in shopping complexes?

Have the many times we talk to those 'normal' people similar to how we talk to the 'disabled'? Have I a compassion or kind-heart for others?

Only if shaped, refined by the Potter, are we going to be perfected. We may together strengthen one another, edify each other (though hardly), there will still be this chip that is not there. Something doesn't seem right.

And there's this time, when I, okay, you may say infatuated, anyway, after almost half a decades, I still find her perfect, (alright, perhaps I don't know her well). And I keep finding and finding, all sorts of answers for all sorts of questions, oh dear, now to think of it. vanity of vanities. Guess what then, now the Potter brought me to see my log in my eyes.

It's really good that now I know what exacty is one of the greatest weaknesses I have. So what now, built the walls, strengthen that weakness? No, it doesn't matter if my enemy raged against that wall any longer, for I know, a wing covered me. A tower of refuge I can hold on to.

In Christ alone, my hope is found. My iniquities overshadowed by His blood of grace.

heart, let's sing. rejoice.

what have I found now?
in this life fixed on the blood,
even when I fail and fall,
You hold me up and say, "You are mine."

In Christ alone, I found my hope,
I found all I can ever imagined for,
and much more that could never leave my heart empty.
perhaps I should have just keep myself under Your wings and trust,
and to cast all that I am.
Have I not grateful,
or have I forgotten You,

why have I sing with heart so dry never stay fresh,
renew my heart, Lord,
as we preach what our hearts have always felt of,
though we may not see, we know by heat,
that very day You lift us up to sing.

we preached You came,
walk through the dust,
yet they would not believe,
and say that's absurd.
and those who closed their hearts,
they said it's impossible that a God never in history, had created everything.

Can I not sing, Lord.
due to Your promise.
Can I not cry, Lord.
due to Your love,
yet I would pray now,
that You our God would fill our hearts with song,
as sing and pray to You.

keep us aflamed Lord,
keep us stay in presence,
keep our hearts strengthened at the night of Gethsemane.
that out of our hearts may flow living water.
and out of the rocks, water will flow,
and children will shout You name.

Your name be blessed,
and Your Church in love.

and I know Lord, one day I'll leave my dearest here,
and Lord, though I know not am I a blessing or pain,
I pray o God, they'll see You as their King,
and know that this day,
Your majesty proclaimed.

have our hearts broken?
have their blood shed in vain in the jungle unseen?
have Your blood stained the tree You planted in vain?
have not the trees grow?
by the seed You planted?

yet how many Lord will rest in Your arms,
and why is the hearts so disturbed?
let us Lord be like the chicks behind the wings of hen,
and never walk on our own.

O God, though I'm worthless,
disappoint not Thy sons and daughters,
the princes and princess,
I know You won't.
and let our hearts sing.

Your name be blessed Lord,
Your Church in love.
What can I say to a Brother who died for me?
-with the song In Christ Alone

what exactly is nothing?

seeing people of all walks of life in all the places,
they have lost their smile.
those who are filled with the enthusiasm, the extreme feeling and urge of the body,
how many have smiled? they laughed, they cheered, but where have the smile and joy been?
what's life? and what are heroes? and what are the spirits of nobility? if we are but homo sapiens.
why are we on earth? and where are we heading to? what are we living for?
who is the person next to me, with the same basic characters that i have: one nose, two eyes, two ears, one heart of four chambers, a brain that have intellects unimaginable, an eye that would tears at times, and a body with zillion of activities running over.
where are we actually? on the earth of a dust-sized, compared to the universe, inventing, developing, researching, manipulating, and perhaps, destroying the blue gem.

none of us gonna take a single piece with us when we die, of that which we did not brought with us when we first open our eyes and see the world. We came with life, and some goes with death, and a life without purpose. In the context of death, what is important? when funerals held, mourners existed, what matters?

In the context of science and intellect, what is morality? In the context of yards of laboratory, what are smiles and tears? In the context of a perishing earth, while some people shouted at the top of their lungs,"go green!" they killed their stillborn child. At the corners of the streets, where the posters hung, promoting the protection of eco, there lay a child, perhaps what they called foetus, only hoping if he could take another breath to call his dad and mom.

we ruled the earth: are we using it or taking care of it? the land that a man owned, how much did he occupied when he died? why can't we let the next generation to see who's living with us in this very age at the other side of the planet?

we got our medals, we got our prizes, we run after what the other shouted, yet, when we are full of white hair, what do we called those things?

and what have relationships been in the books? what exactly have brought us through the odds of life?and what is it that kept us breathing?By what intelligence have one caused my cells to respire? and the heroes and heroines? what drive them to do the right thing even if it gonna break their necks? and what's love?
and what have brought many rich fellows to fly down buildings? and what have disappointments been to the women at the dark corner of life?and what have the innocent paperwork of man with different colours and sizes been? a root of all evil? no, it's the greed that is the root of all evil.

it's nothing, the old man sighed, only wondering where have he been, so far. can i die with with no regrets now? dreams of youth have i reached, what else am i living on earth for?

many live for a century and die with a sigh, yet there are some who live for a decade and planted a mustard tree.

so don't tell me there's nothing to live up for!

this is the first time i wrote this way.

infatuated.
it seems most people always have that like what my dad said, especially guys, haih, guys..~
even till 90 yrs old a guy still can be infatuated, alright, stop elaborating.
somehow, I wonder why am I so anxious about it, well, alway exploding my feeling, erm, perhaps pressure, force of attraction and etc. etc.
okay, fine, if I am gonna get married, I'm sure it's a calling, don't anybody think so? So why am I so troubled about?

hmm, just wondering where's my diary gone too, I supposed I've forgotten that I once promised, no matter how hard it gonna get, I'll still keep my promise, isn't it?

And why did the school life seems to take away everyone's life? hmm, life's purpose? I'm living for Who, don't I have an idea? Don't I have the ability to answer that to my heart which is troubled?

Why I seems to lost something, perhaps siblingship?
Anyway, I'm just gonna say, I really really really miss my siblings, all of you, those times..how sweet was those days.

sometimes, I'm still gonna walk this journey, fight this battle, cross the streets of persecution, with my God on my side, just so.

No matter how hard is it, how many times it is, I know I will not, and never be alone.
No mater how difficult, I'm still gonna carry the cross, and walk with praises on my lips.
'cause I know, I may fail, but if You are on my side, failure is not gonna overtake me.
If You are with me, who can be against?

missing all my lovely siblings.

wat have i?

to remember the price i made once, long ago,
tht very price, not worthy of much, but worth giving,
to know one who crated the rainbow, made the whipper, made iron for the nails, made the wood for the cross, is the same as the one who died on the cross, being drilled on the hands by the iron nails, whipped by piercing sin of mine.

yet, saddest of all, it is my sin, that break his heart.
for us.
wat shall i say then.
what have i?

how many times, have i took things into my own hands,
how many times, uncountable,
how many times i breathed is like how many times i've failed, yet less than the number of how many times he is with me.

if i would care, even i so evil, would care,
how much more he loves?
why did i hold back in my trust for him?
forgive me.

I know,He will.
wat have i?
evil as i am.
i've failed the many times.
hurt the many times.
and now, could i ask, tht i may rest, lean on you, and my soul find peace in you?

it matters.

man's horizon is either life, or death.

tht day.

My dear, where are you?

Now Israel’s eyes were failing because of old age, and he could hardly see. So Joseph brought his sons close to him, and his father kissed them and embraced them. Israel said to Joseph, “I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children too … …1
Brought back.

As I was reading a book2, something struck my head. In the chapter He Forgot, I suddenly remember this words – But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”3

Remember? These words are called right after Adam and Eve realized and made coverings for themselves. Did God not aware of where they were? Yea, I asked this question while I was in an academy, kind of silly, isn’t it? But read again, with the passage. The subtitle of the passage – the fall of man. Let us read again, “where are you?”

Yes, where am I? When we fall, guess what the Lord God did. He searched us, in fact He looked for me, He stretched His hands, pierced hands, only waiting for us to hold. Perhaps, we’ve forgotten, forgotten something, something so important, so significant, so wonderful, with bloody grace that somehow, we forgot. Who are we?

Yea, exactly, if Adam and Eve remembered, they are made in the image of God; they are created in the Creator’s image, we would have remembered, when the serpent said, “… you will be like God …”. We are children of the most High, aren’t we?

And now, let’s us read that passage again, “I never expected to see you face again …” Perhaps I’m wrong, maybe I’m taking the words out of context, I don’t know. Seeing the face of one that rejected once, the one that we given up. I just felt, there was something.

When for about four hundred years of silent, when people was losing hope, He came; they saw His face, the created and Creator, walking again. This time, He paid. Seeing the face of someone sold as slave, one day. The One betrayed for 30 shekels, one day we will. The twenty shekels and the thirty pieces of silver.

When we forgot Him, He never will. When we remembered our sins and stricken by guilt, He forgot all about it. When we are faithless and still out there He took us in, He remain who He is, faithful. And we, are we going to forget Him just after the storms which He calmed and doubt because of a wind that blew over our face, while He just calmed the catastrophes?

After the night, when the dawn came, seeing the Light, are we going to forget the Lord who stands beside us by night, or we finally realized? For the years He comforted us, do we still remember? Have we forgotten, just because a fleeting second?

When we sin, let us not hide ourselves again. When we see the dark clouds, let the Wings cover us. Not with bushes, not again, but with the clothes that obtained by bloodshed.
That hands, that was pierced, the same hands that crafted the rainbows, wiped the feet, cleans the mud on our face. For Love. The Shepherd, the Lamb.

Full extend of love. He is there, waiting for us to turn back, waiting for that moment which He can embrace us again, and that very time He could say, “My son had come home.”

In God we trust. Ask ourselves. Can the leaves we sewed cover us? When the wind blow again, who will we remember, You or the storm, or the cries of the people that night?

The very first chapter, have we believe?

Do you believe: God created all things? The laws? The author of relationship is He? The light, the thoughts can never explain, the uncountable reacting cells that react with each other, the undefined collision of atoms?The mystery? The time that seems never ending but always changing, but seems eternal.He created.

Elder Koh: a little stone, a giant, down, a boy.God makes all the difference.
Ask. Seek. Knock. Receive. Find. And the door will be opened to you.

Where are we. A question asked in eternity.

1Genesis 48: 10-11
2The book “God Came Near” by Max Lucado, an inspiring message which opened up a door somehow to a totally different stand to view Christ.
3Genesis 3: 9
I owe this to many of the people around me that constantly encouraged me and taught me, and especially my Lover, who always my hand held near.