Monday, November 30, 2009

pierced.

This is what seems to break apart: a heart of a young man.

“Why the rest received those information? Why didn’t you? Is it because you are bad. May be she looked down on you. May be she thinks you don’t need it. And why didn’t you study hard enough last few days? Huh? Why did you now come and ask for help? Didn’t you know your time? Your planning?”

“And why did that person didn’t reply you?”
Studying hard maybe?
“Really? Studying hard? Then why that person text others?”
Um, I… dunno.
“Maybe … likes that person, not you.”
So wat?
“So wat? You know yourself.”
No, it’s not true…we waved good-byes just now, both smiled…
“then, does that mean anything?”

“Why did your friends don’t talk to u these days?”
exams…
“really?”

“can you grow up? And stop pouring more on your sister when your dad try teaching her.”
I…
“is that love for your sister? You prayed for peace for family, yet now you are stirring for troubles”


Demonized...

My heart pierced. Deeply. Deeply hurt. Is it because of me of all these? Is it me, my fault? Too hurt to cry.

I messaged my dear brother who messaged me to encourage me for tomorrow’s Bio paper. Telling him my feelings as brief as possible. And before that I wanted to encourage a dear sister of mine, but…
“Don’t you feel odd? Hypocrites… You yourself got problem, now want to encourage others? What you think you are? Busybody.”
No, those aren’t really my problems.
“They aren’t?!!”

STOP, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I messaged both of them, telling both my thoughts, rather than thankyous, encouragements, or whatever… all kinds of voices I heard, but I am not hearing of it, I sent out all I could describe with that 12 keys on my phone…

Then encouragements came in, slowly, yet my heart is still bleeding. I couldn’t say much, those messages, with love. But I just, I couldn’t give proper response. I’m too tired to flip another page of Bio, too tired.

I asked my sis’ help, she refused. What can I say? Knees down, head bowed. Only the Lord is with me. On bed, soon after, I woke up and find myself alone in the quietness, 1 o’clock in the morning. I wanted to wake up at 12, but well, 1 o’clock is still good. Thank God. Though sleeping did not help much, the Lord does give me some rest by it. I woke up, found two messages: one with much encouragement, and the other was asking whether I want to talk on the phone and she’ll keep praying for me. I was much better by then, so I said that prayer is what I need now.

Few pages of Bio, on bed again, my dear bro asked me what time I will wake up. ‘4:30, why?’ ‘I’ll call u to pray’ ‘thanks.’ This is the love of a brother.

Woke up at 4:45, miscall one, when I just received the message delivery report, he called, we prayed. Was way better by then. Though little that he understands my problem, he did all he could, the best he could, prayed for me, intercede for me to the Creator of Heaven and Earth.

Bio, although I didn’t manage to cover all, didn’t really study much, but I believed, His peace carried me through. I didn’t dread, neither do I become distress. His peace was with me.

Now to reflect by it, if it wasn’t the love of the brother, I would have still battling. But wait… much more than that. If it wasn’t His love and His personal care and watching over His children, my friend wouldn’t prayed with me at 4:30.

Now I remembered, there was once, when I text an auntie, not knowing she was in Australia, about my problems, without much waiting, she called me, WHILE SHE WAS IN ANOTHER COUNTRY!! I don’t care if you say IDD cheap or what, what I know is, this is the love of a church inspired by LOVE. Now to reflect back those days, when I used to talk with siblings till midnight, prayed through the ticking sound of 12 o’clock. How many times, at the moment I need people the most, He sent His children with His care, to comfort a soul like mine.

It took me few months after d’na to learn the importance of church. CHURCH ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN I COULD LEARN IN FEW MONTHS. Although the officer gave us a night lecture, I got the wrong message. But my roommate spoke up in reunion, about that night lecture, I finally realized.

If not the church, my family would have still been a broken one. Without Him, there would be no church. If not His love, there would not.

Just a detachment from my journal:

“Son, know this,
it could never hurt you more than it hurts ME,
Did I not myself let these test come upon you,
Seeing you cried because of this and not understand,
Is my heart not broken?
When you shed your tears, I shed MY blood, just to give you the best, with joy and hope.
Did you not remember? I once told you that I will always be with you, My Spirit will always be with you.
Did I not uphold you with My Righteous Right Hand?
Have Peace, My Peace,
My Peace I give to you, not as the world gives.”

And the other day,

“What have I done, Lord?
“It’s not what you’ve done,
but who you are, to ME, son.”
This speaks all, of Him and His love.

Exodus 19:4-6, “…You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles’ wings… …” see how our God speaks, a personal way of speaking, is there anyone one like Him who would speak to the creations? Throughout the whole Bible!! For more 4000 years, personally and comforting, direct speech of the Creator to His creations, and finally, with a human vocal chords, spoke words like “and surely I am with you always, to the very end of age.” (Matthew 28:20b) and many other more like “My peace I give to you, not as the world give” “Come to ME, all you who are weary and heavy-laden.” And many can testify now, how He has constantly been faithful to us, isn’t it?

He understands and He knows. To God be the glory, amen.

[Declaration: These are written by a young man, reliable or not, to be confirmed. I just want to use this to thank my brothers and sisters, my family and my friends, my prayer partner, and most importantly, of where all my blessings come from, my Father above, that's all this message is about. :) If you felt uncomfoortable with it, let me know asap, so that I could change, I do not want to cause any discomfort due this.thank you for your co-operation, (I know it's a bit lame, but I meant it!)]

[I think I should go read my Physics now.>.<]