weakness, we all have.

As I read Max's book, I was so troubled, and finally, resolved, I was discovering myself, my weakness.

I have been really troubled by this actually, it taunts me, it flooded my mind times after times when I see what my peers did (although it wasn't a good-thing that they did it, but still..). I wonder why since young I'm so having phobia over it. Each touch of it could excite goosebums all over my body. Yaik.

Just last weekend, I was so distracted by it, in fact many days of my life it had cause me to be closed in a box, perhaps 2 by 2 by 2 cubic feet. It makes me forget about everything, I don't know why at all. And it leads me to many misdeeds or sins, whichever you prefer to call it, months ago, whenever it tempts me, I'm, well, overpowered by it, ruled, and then reduced to a deeply guilt strickened soul.

Yet, last weekend, I made a deal, okay, or pledge of my heart, my heart was raised, head lifted, I know, even if they are good, or hot, or whatever, get to nerves and hormones, it's not important, for man sees things, and man may plan, but God decides his step. So, that's it. I'll focus.

And the Sunday sermon was a thrust, I don't really know why, but for many times, it resounds, and deal with just the exact thing I've been questioning and facing. As the other time, when I ask and wonder: Angels? What are they?. okay, sidetrack again, it thrusts me, enforce me to a height that my heart can fixed that, Jesus Christ, my lover is all who matters.

And now to remember it, there was once, half a year after a class, only I realised the lesson taught in that class, everyone have disabilities, since the very first pot dropped by its own, the inner of it always have a crack. That was what I learnt in first year community service which I was assigned to talk to strangers in a shopping complex, after talking with the officer after that, impressed by his insights, I was brought to think: why is it easier for me to talk to people I don't know in the homes of the disabled, and not those in shopping complexes?

Have the many times we talk to those 'normal' people similar to how we talk to the 'disabled'? Have I a compassion or kind-heart for others?

Only if shaped, refined by the Potter, are we going to be perfected. We may together strengthen one another, edify each other (though hardly), there will still be this chip that is not there. Something doesn't seem right.

And there's this time, when I, okay, you may say infatuated, anyway, after almost half a decades, I still find her perfect, (alright, perhaps I don't know her well). And I keep finding and finding, all sorts of answers for all sorts of questions, oh dear, now to think of it. vanity of vanities. Guess what then, now the Potter brought me to see my log in my eyes.

It's really good that now I know what exacty is one of the greatest weaknesses I have. So what now, built the walls, strengthen that weakness? No, it doesn't matter if my enemy raged against that wall any longer, for I know, a wing covered me. A tower of refuge I can hold on to.

In Christ alone, my hope is found. My iniquities overshadowed by His blood of grace.

heart, let's sing. rejoice.

what have I found now?
in this life fixed on the blood,
even when I fail and fall,
You hold me up and say, "You are mine."

In Christ alone, I found my hope,
I found all I can ever imagined for,
and much more that could never leave my heart empty.
perhaps I should have just keep myself under Your wings and trust,
and to cast all that I am.
Have I not grateful,
or have I forgotten You,

why have I sing with heart so dry never stay fresh,
renew my heart, Lord,
as we preach what our hearts have always felt of,
though we may not see, we know by heat,
that very day You lift us up to sing.

we preached You came,
walk through the dust,
yet they would not believe,
and say that's absurd.
and those who closed their hearts,
they said it's impossible that a God never in history, had created everything.

Can I not sing, Lord.
due to Your promise.
Can I not cry, Lord.
due to Your love,
yet I would pray now,
that You our God would fill our hearts with song,
as sing and pray to You.

keep us aflamed Lord,
keep us stay in presence,
keep our hearts strengthened at the night of Gethsemane.
that out of our hearts may flow living water.
and out of the rocks, water will flow,
and children will shout You name.

Your name be blessed,
and Your Church in love.

and I know Lord, one day I'll leave my dearest here,
and Lord, though I know not am I a blessing or pain,
I pray o God, they'll see You as their King,
and know that this day,
Your majesty proclaimed.

have our hearts broken?
have their blood shed in vain in the jungle unseen?
have Your blood stained the tree You planted in vain?
have not the trees grow?
by the seed You planted?

yet how many Lord will rest in Your arms,
and why is the hearts so disturbed?
let us Lord be like the chicks behind the wings of hen,
and never walk on our own.

O God, though I'm worthless,
disappoint not Thy sons and daughters,
the princes and princess,
I know You won't.
and let our hearts sing.

Your name be blessed Lord,
Your Church in love.
What can I say to a Brother who died for me?
-with the song In Christ Alone

what exactly is nothing?

seeing people of all walks of life in all the places,
they have lost their smile.
those who are filled with the enthusiasm, the extreme feeling and urge of the body,
how many have smiled? they laughed, they cheered, but where have the smile and joy been?
what's life? and what are heroes? and what are the spirits of nobility? if we are but homo sapiens.
why are we on earth? and where are we heading to? what are we living for?
who is the person next to me, with the same basic characters that i have: one nose, two eyes, two ears, one heart of four chambers, a brain that have intellects unimaginable, an eye that would tears at times, and a body with zillion of activities running over.
where are we actually? on the earth of a dust-sized, compared to the universe, inventing, developing, researching, manipulating, and perhaps, destroying the blue gem.

none of us gonna take a single piece with us when we die, of that which we did not brought with us when we first open our eyes and see the world. We came with life, and some goes with death, and a life without purpose. In the context of death, what is important? when funerals held, mourners existed, what matters?

In the context of science and intellect, what is morality? In the context of yards of laboratory, what are smiles and tears? In the context of a perishing earth, while some people shouted at the top of their lungs,"go green!" they killed their stillborn child. At the corners of the streets, where the posters hung, promoting the protection of eco, there lay a child, perhaps what they called foetus, only hoping if he could take another breath to call his dad and mom.

we ruled the earth: are we using it or taking care of it? the land that a man owned, how much did he occupied when he died? why can't we let the next generation to see who's living with us in this very age at the other side of the planet?

we got our medals, we got our prizes, we run after what the other shouted, yet, when we are full of white hair, what do we called those things?

and what have relationships been in the books? what exactly have brought us through the odds of life?and what is it that kept us breathing?By what intelligence have one caused my cells to respire? and the heroes and heroines? what drive them to do the right thing even if it gonna break their necks? and what's love?
and what have brought many rich fellows to fly down buildings? and what have disappointments been to the women at the dark corner of life?and what have the innocent paperwork of man with different colours and sizes been? a root of all evil? no, it's the greed that is the root of all evil.

it's nothing, the old man sighed, only wondering where have he been, so far. can i die with with no regrets now? dreams of youth have i reached, what else am i living on earth for?

many live for a century and die with a sigh, yet there are some who live for a decade and planted a mustard tree.

so don't tell me there's nothing to live up for!

this is the first time i wrote this way.

infatuated.
it seems most people always have that like what my dad said, especially guys, haih, guys..~
even till 90 yrs old a guy still can be infatuated, alright, stop elaborating.
somehow, I wonder why am I so anxious about it, well, alway exploding my feeling, erm, perhaps pressure, force of attraction and etc. etc.
okay, fine, if I am gonna get married, I'm sure it's a calling, don't anybody think so? So why am I so troubled about?

hmm, just wondering where's my diary gone too, I supposed I've forgotten that I once promised, no matter how hard it gonna get, I'll still keep my promise, isn't it?

And why did the school life seems to take away everyone's life? hmm, life's purpose? I'm living for Who, don't I have an idea? Don't I have the ability to answer that to my heart which is troubled?

Why I seems to lost something, perhaps siblingship?
Anyway, I'm just gonna say, I really really really miss my siblings, all of you, those times..how sweet was those days.

sometimes, I'm still gonna walk this journey, fight this battle, cross the streets of persecution, with my God on my side, just so.

No matter how hard is it, how many times it is, I know I will not, and never be alone.
No mater how difficult, I'm still gonna carry the cross, and walk with praises on my lips.
'cause I know, I may fail, but if You are on my side, failure is not gonna overtake me.
If You are with me, who can be against?

missing all my lovely siblings.

wat have i?

to remember the price i made once, long ago,
tht very price, not worthy of much, but worth giving,
to know one who crated the rainbow, made the whipper, made iron for the nails, made the wood for the cross, is the same as the one who died on the cross, being drilled on the hands by the iron nails, whipped by piercing sin of mine.

yet, saddest of all, it is my sin, that break his heart.
for us.
wat shall i say then.
what have i?

how many times, have i took things into my own hands,
how many times, uncountable,
how many times i breathed is like how many times i've failed, yet less than the number of how many times he is with me.

if i would care, even i so evil, would care,
how much more he loves?
why did i hold back in my trust for him?
forgive me.

I know,He will.
wat have i?
evil as i am.
i've failed the many times.
hurt the many times.
and now, could i ask, tht i may rest, lean on you, and my soul find peace in you?

it matters.

man's horizon is either life, or death.

tht day.

My dear, where are you?

Now Israel’s eyes were failing because of old age, and he could hardly see. So Joseph brought his sons close to him, and his father kissed them and embraced them. Israel said to Joseph, “I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children too … …1
Brought back.

As I was reading a book2, something struck my head. In the chapter He Forgot, I suddenly remember this words – But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”3

Remember? These words are called right after Adam and Eve realized and made coverings for themselves. Did God not aware of where they were? Yea, I asked this question while I was in an academy, kind of silly, isn’t it? But read again, with the passage. The subtitle of the passage – the fall of man. Let us read again, “where are you?”

Yes, where am I? When we fall, guess what the Lord God did. He searched us, in fact He looked for me, He stretched His hands, pierced hands, only waiting for us to hold. Perhaps, we’ve forgotten, forgotten something, something so important, so significant, so wonderful, with bloody grace that somehow, we forgot. Who are we?

Yea, exactly, if Adam and Eve remembered, they are made in the image of God; they are created in the Creator’s image, we would have remembered, when the serpent said, “… you will be like God …”. We are children of the most High, aren’t we?

And now, let’s us read that passage again, “I never expected to see you face again …” Perhaps I’m wrong, maybe I’m taking the words out of context, I don’t know. Seeing the face of one that rejected once, the one that we given up. I just felt, there was something.

When for about four hundred years of silent, when people was losing hope, He came; they saw His face, the created and Creator, walking again. This time, He paid. Seeing the face of someone sold as slave, one day. The One betrayed for 30 shekels, one day we will. The twenty shekels and the thirty pieces of silver.

When we forgot Him, He never will. When we remembered our sins and stricken by guilt, He forgot all about it. When we are faithless and still out there He took us in, He remain who He is, faithful. And we, are we going to forget Him just after the storms which He calmed and doubt because of a wind that blew over our face, while He just calmed the catastrophes?

After the night, when the dawn came, seeing the Light, are we going to forget the Lord who stands beside us by night, or we finally realized? For the years He comforted us, do we still remember? Have we forgotten, just because a fleeting second?

When we sin, let us not hide ourselves again. When we see the dark clouds, let the Wings cover us. Not with bushes, not again, but with the clothes that obtained by bloodshed.
That hands, that was pierced, the same hands that crafted the rainbows, wiped the feet, cleans the mud on our face. For Love. The Shepherd, the Lamb.

Full extend of love. He is there, waiting for us to turn back, waiting for that moment which He can embrace us again, and that very time He could say, “My son had come home.”

In God we trust. Ask ourselves. Can the leaves we sewed cover us? When the wind blow again, who will we remember, You or the storm, or the cries of the people that night?

The very first chapter, have we believe?

Do you believe: God created all things? The laws? The author of relationship is He? The light, the thoughts can never explain, the uncountable reacting cells that react with each other, the undefined collision of atoms?The mystery? The time that seems never ending but always changing, but seems eternal.He created.

Elder Koh: a little stone, a giant, down, a boy.God makes all the difference.
Ask. Seek. Knock. Receive. Find. And the door will be opened to you.

Where are we. A question asked in eternity.

1Genesis 48: 10-11
2The book “God Came Near” by Max Lucado, an inspiring message which opened up a door somehow to a totally different stand to view Christ.
3Genesis 3: 9
I owe this to many of the people around me that constantly encouraged me and taught me, and especially my Lover, who always my hand held near.