It was church day: Sunday, hearts open, my God took the lost sheep by His own hands.

"Romans 8:38-39: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I was totally devastated before this, I was thinking in the car, about lots of things, things happening lately, long ago, and imagining what is happening next. And I was rather terrible, I was thinking about the youth, a lot of things seems to be needing change. I was ignorant. Lately I feel the talks in Youth aren't relating real lives. Thinking about what happened to Poland's government, I was feeling that somehow the church has not been relating world news. As if the church is not in the world. But I was wrong.
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the night before this, a friend of mine told me about her going to national service, and leaving us, and while encouraging her, I was punching my keypads asking her to keep trusting in God. I stopped. I fell back to my chair. "keep trusting in God." Why haven't I thought of that? The God that has never fail me, not even once, though many times, it seems like He is. But after eachwave of challenge, there is a hammering into the truth, the deep conviction that God knows what He is doing, and because He knows what He is doing, and He loves us, why is my heart so troubled within me?

For at least two weeks I was abnormal, in such a short period of time, I was doing things that I wouldn't do in the past. I was lost, I went somewhere, wandering, but not unguarded, not without supervision, especially not when you arre in a Father's hand.

"While encouraging others, be encouraged, be comforted - a small gentle voice resounded in my head."

I was sitting there with my friend in the seats, while waiting for the service to started. I was also waiting for another friend who promised to have a talk with me since i told her about my condition the day before. While waiting I was flipping through the Bible... read on. I was asking her to pray for me or pray with me. Now, praying alone is one thing, praying with is another.
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Allow me using the tone of an author: Jesus did not just do callings, calling us intoo His kingdom, but more of, we are given a calling, by grace through His death and resurrection. Not asking us to do a favor, but we are given a favor.
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My friend then sat beside me, I was talking to her about the trusting in God thing happened late in the midnight before. And then the service started. And I prayed that God will prepare our hearts... then the worship leader started the songs, the hymms, was initially um, slow? Then I was thinking perhaps I have been too fast these days, too driven - now, if it were that, it's scary.

And I was thinking about the song, "BE THOU MY VISION". Since I-don't-know-when it started, but sometimes, whatever song that I was given to sing whether I was down or happy through the week, the congregation either in youth service or main service, would be singing. [To be frank, I was kind of a music idiot who wasn't good in music.] But hymms after hymms, there was no sight of the hymm... and the sermon started, at first I was really feeling the speaker spoke kinda slow though. Then I was taught to wait, and the speaker then asked us to jott down words that may show what God has done, through the passage Ephesians 1:3-14. I was not good in that, the speaker spoke too fast...

And the speaker continue his sermon, talking about what Paul urge us to do. And the first question in my mind was: Legalism? No, and I was reminded of whatPaul Washer had spoke before, about the passage in the Bible, 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. ..." It is not about what we are supposed to do, but about how our daily living should be, how they must reflect who we are.

And in the end, the speaker showed a video, of how a man actually carry a cross and then he ask the Lord to allow him to cut off a little, and then a little more, and when the reach a place where was a gap, the cross he carried is not long enough to act as a bridge for him to cross, [maybe you've seen this in an e-mail], and these are the words that stays in my mind after that: have we compromise of living worthily? It is never an easy life that Jesus has promised for us on earth. And while the video is being played, the song [i cannot remember much] but this what I've learnt, we are not alone in this journey and Jesus' love never ceases.
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and the closing hymm was this:

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my Heart..."


Then after that, the youth service, all the songs was just as resounding what state I was in. And previously on the Friday, my friend and I were singing the song with guitar, Heart of Worship, and I never thought that a casual song sung with my friend would be also the song for Youth Service.

And our Youth Advisor was speaking on Grace - a subject that if I has passed my Maths, my General Paper, my all other subjects, even if with flying colours, I've failed this one. But yet not I, but God who made it possible for me to pass into His arms, through grace. If I could I would post the whole handout given by my Youth Advisor, but I decided, this one is one of the best part in the handout, consider "THE OUTSIDER" while thinking about what grace means, a poem written by Dave Tippet:

"He was a dweeb in the eyes of some.

A loner.

Strange.

Unpredictable.

He was different.

Spoke of strange things.

Weird things.

Things that no one had heard before.

His dad had a bad reputation with some.

He tried to talk about his relationship with his father.

Few of the teachers listened. Or cared.

He belonged to a gang.

A gang that was considered dangerous.

It roamed the town, causing local authorities trouble.

He got in people's faces.

He hung out with losers.

Rich kid hated him.

Some said Satan was in him.

He called the teachers names.

To their faces.

He lived on the streets.

He called himself God.

He got violent once. He was expelled for it. But he came back.

He talked about his own death calmly.

He promised to come back from the dead.

One of his gang got him arrested.

He defended himself in court. He lost.

The state executed him. It was a horrible death.

On the third day, he kept his promise."

[It was inspired by the shootings at Columbine High School.]

I did not know he was Jesus until the poem was read through almost till the end. Well, we may say, it was inaccurate. In fact, He never regarded Himself as God, or regarded His divinity as something to be grasped, but humbled Himself, even as a man, or more accurately, a death-sentenced-criminal. [Philippians 2:4-11]. In fact, He never really defended Himsef in the court. yada yada. But the more important thing was not the poem, is it the incident that inspired it into being? lest we lost focus, but to what extent is God's grace for you and I?

And most remarkable for me is this: I have forgotten the Jesus I once knew, and was reminded.
Quoting what Nicky Gumbell once said, if it was just for a world which has a population of two - just you and I, Jesus would die on the cross, and gone through all that was written there too and much more than just what is written.

"I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see."

[Many statements of what I feel and written here may not be exactly the truth, not accurate facts about anyone, any group of people, I would appreciate if you let me know if you feel that it should be edited so that it doesn't offend anyone, thankyou]