Friday, October 2, 2009

one of the weeks of blessing.

Interviews, applications, waiting, decisions, and hopes.

We make decisions everyday of our life. What to wear, what to eat, which mascara to be put on, which restaurant to go to, which tuition to go for or drop, the subject to take or drop and the next place where we’ll be going to, as well as how we're going to live for next 60 yrs, 40 yrs or 10 0r 20 yrs. Purpose-driven? Prayer-driven? And this is especially real for me and my family as my sister is going to finish her primary education this November and I’ll be soon going to take my SPM and choose another step towards my calling in the near future. And decisions are real important, and I think this statement, though it’s not totally true, but do have few percentage of truth in it.

“Where we are now, actually is the results of the many decisions we’ve made in the past, despite our destiny.”

Purpose.

Sometimes we do not have any idea about why we are making this decision or that. Sometimes we do not look far; sometimes we do not think about at all our purpose of life when we make big decisions like: what course I should take after this.

I’ve been applying for further education since early of this year. Few weeks ago I went for two interview, two different scholarship interview sessions. Praise God for the chances. And well, cut it short, we are supposed to be notified this week. And this week, was really a week of life. It was more than dramatic though, read it, and you’ll know why I’ve said this.

27th SEPT – 2nd OCT 09-

On Sunday, I was kind of troubled after a show, wondering, how many times I have to fight the Young Man’s battle of lust. And I have a talk with my d’NA roommate, he was such a blessing – mature, stable, wise. Thank God for that. He spoke to me about God’s deliverance of him and the salvation that he had learnt of Jesus. And I realize, I’ve actually not realize that, I’ve been fighting on my own many times, and each time I did so, I failed. And he told me these, “Salvation is the supernatural work of God to transform you from a creature who loves sin to a one who hates sin and loves God and the things of God.” “It’s not our work, but God’s transformation. It’s no point of saying the sinner’s prayer and inviting the Lord into our lives and after that go on our own without letting Him to transform our lives,” he added.

Monday, I went with such gladness in my heart, praying and asking God to transform me. Amazingly, miraculously, whatever you prefer, my results were shockingly better than I thought of. Hallelujah, hee~ you know, SPM trial wasn’t as easy as a piece of cake kay. Believe it or not, it was God, not me; it was prayers, not tips. :)

Tuesday I do not know why, seriously, I was so troubled all day long, even after sleep, even when I’m reading the Bible, I’ve no heart for it. I was really emotionally unstable, don’t ask me why, I don’t know. I requested for prayers.

“-Let it go. No point choosing the second best. God’s will is still the best, since He knows everything, yes, everything; He knows what you’ll need in your life, and how you can enjoy life at its best.”

And three days ago, two of my friends who went for the scholarship interview I too went, received the phone call, notifying that they have been selected for it. Well, one of them told me about it the next morning. And I was so troubled at first. But at second thought, I was reminded of an encounter with a voice:
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It was after the interviews when this happens. I’ve once thought of studying theology, psychology and medicine. I know, it sounds… But, after some time, I realize it was impossible to study 3 things at one time, 3 totally distinct things, though you may say, not really, since theology is related to psychology, and psychology is related to medicine, but still, if I really do these, I think I might become a customer before I become a psychologist, just joking. And so I said to myself, remembering that a d’NA officer once said to me, if you finish study the whole Bible and the study notes, and understood it, you’re actually qualified as a theologian. So, “Raymond,” I say, “Go finish studying your whole Bible before anything else.”

But after that, people asked me about what I am going to study next time, each time I remembered theology. And many people, those I’ve told that I might study theology and those I’ve not, came asking me what about theology, my relatives, my teacher, my friends, etc. Even STM people came to our church and talked about theology. Although I sometimes wonder, but I’ve never mentioned about theology as one of the option ever since. And for application, career aspiration, I dropped it out. And after the interviews, when people asked me, I once thought about it again, and so I said to the Lord, if it is your will and your calling, show me it is. “What kind of sign?” “Is it okay if I closed the way that leads to others? You don’t get scholarships, or you failed in any application other than for theology, is it okay with you?” that was the voice. I thought, for a moment, consider it, and I said, “Ok, let this be.”
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So, after recalling it, I was overwhelmed, I felt I’m not ready, no, I’m not prepared to let go of my friends who will never understand and will soon be lost if I study theology. I’m not ready to give up other dreams, plans, and interests. Which way will I be going? Settling down for a moment, I begin to realize, how hard it is to let go. Although I realize all those that I’ve mentioned were vanities: dreams, plans, people who will never understand you, for these I can’t keep. Not even my life on earth. So, finally, I got up, okay, if it’s Your calling, prepare me to go for it.

“He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, and gains what he cannot lose.”
-Jim Elliot, martyr for Christ’s love.

Let it go, let it go, Jesus ask me let it go.

But, more amazingly, while I was troubled so much and emotionally unstable for the day before, after that what happened on Wednesday, I was well and sound. All fine. Way better!! Praise God.

And while I continued to find God’s calling for me, I got some application form from the counselor of my school, which are for scholarships to go Australia. But this time, I was different, I was reluctant to apply them, unlike before, I would try all my best to seek as many opportunities as possible. I was in fact, in confusion. But I did not decide on the spot.

But today, Friday, I reached home earlier than usual, I was bored, so I watched a show, though I got a feeling a I shouldn’t watch, I’ve got better things to do. But anyway, I sinned, another long story. But after that I went, prayed, read the Bible. Then, after a while, I took a nap, and guess what woke me up, kay, it’s ‘who’ wakes… my maid woke me up, but why? “I’m calling from HELP University College; I called you to tell you that you have been selected for… …”

That was the story, kinda long-winded, but I think I didn’t leave out anything…hee~
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Theology, may be now it’s not the timing. May be in the future, He will call me to. :)

Continue praying~

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