Monday, June 29, 2009

weakness, we all have.


As I read Max's book, I was so troubled, and finally, resolved, I was discovering myself, my weakness.

I have been really troubled by this actually, it taunts me, it flooded my mind times after times when I see what my peers did (although it wasn't a good-thing that they did it, but still..). I wonder why since young I'm so having phobia over it. Each touch of it could excite goosebums all over my body. Yaik.

Just last weekend, I was so distracted by it, in fact many days of my life it had cause me to be closed in a box, perhaps 2 by 2 by 2 cubic feet. It makes me forget about everything, I don't know why at all. And it leads me to many misdeeds or sins, whichever you prefer to call it, months ago, whenever it tempts me, I'm, well, overpowered by it, ruled, and then reduced to a deeply guilt strickened soul.

Yet, last weekend, I made a deal, okay, or pledge of my heart, my heart was raised, head lifted, I know, even if they are good, or hot, or whatever, get to nerves and hormones, it's not important, for man sees things, and man may plan, but God decides his step. So, that's it. I'll focus.

And the Sunday sermon was a thrust, I don't really know why, but for many times, it resounds, and deal with just the exact thing I've been questioning and facing. As the other time, when I ask and wonder: Angels? What are they?. okay, sidetrack again, it thrusts me, enforce me to a height that my heart can fixed that, Jesus Christ, my lover is all who matters.

And now to remember it, there was once, half a year after a class, only I realised the lesson taught in that class, everyone have disabilities, since the very first pot dropped by its own, the inner of it always have a crack. That was what I learnt in first year community service which I was assigned to talk to strangers in a shopping complex, after talking with the officer after that, impressed by his insights, I was brought to think: why is it easier for me to talk to people I don't know in the homes of the disabled, and not those in shopping complexes?

Have the many times we talk to those 'normal' people similar to how we talk to the 'disabled'? Have I a compassion or kind-heart for others?

Only if shaped, refined by the Potter, are we going to be perfected. We may together strengthen one another, edify each other (though hardly), there will still be this chip that is not there. Something doesn't seem right.

And there's this time, when I, okay, you may say infatuated, anyway, after almost half a decades, I still find her perfect, (alright, perhaps I don't know her well). And I keep finding and finding, all sorts of answers for all sorts of questions, oh dear, now to think of it. vanity of vanities. Guess what then, now the Potter brought me to see my log in my eyes.

It's really good that now I know what exacty is one of the greatest weaknesses I have. So what now, built the walls, strengthen that weakness? No, it doesn't matter if my enemy raged against that wall any longer, for I know, a wing covered me. A tower of refuge I can hold on to.

In Christ alone, my hope is found. My iniquities overshadowed by His blood of grace.

Friday, June 12, 2009

heart, let's sing. rejoice.

what have I found now?
in this life fixed on the blood,
even when I fail and fall,
You hold me up and say, "You are mine."

In Christ alone, I found my hope,
I found all I can ever imagined for,
and much more that could never leave my heart empty.
perhaps I should have just keep myself under Your wings and trust,
and to cast all that I am.
Have I not grateful,
or have I forgotten You,

why have I sing with heart so dry never stay fresh,
renew my heart, Lord,
as we preach what our hearts have always felt of,
though we may not see, we know by heat,
that very day You lift us up to sing.

we preached You came,
walk through the dust,
yet they would not believe,
and say that's absurd.
and those who closed their hearts,
they said it's impossible that a God never in history, had created everything.

Can I not sing, Lord.
due to Your promise.
Can I not cry, Lord.
due to Your love,
yet I would pray now,
that You our God would fill our hearts with song,
as sing and pray to You.

keep us aflamed Lord,
keep us stay in presence,
keep our hearts strengthened at the night of Gethsemane.
that out of our hearts may flow living water.
and out of the rocks, water will flow,
and children will shout You name.

Your name be blessed,
and Your Church in love.

and I know Lord, one day I'll leave my dearest here,
and Lord, though I know not am I a blessing or pain,
I pray o God, they'll see You as their King,
and know that this day,
Your majesty proclaimed.

have our hearts broken?
have their blood shed in vain in the jungle unseen?
have Your blood stained the tree You planted in vain?
have not the trees grow?
by the seed You planted?

yet how many Lord will rest in Your arms,
and why is the hearts so disturbed?
let us Lord be like the chicks behind the wings of hen,
and never walk on our own.

O God, though I'm worthless,
disappoint not Thy sons and daughters,
the princes and princess,
I know You won't.
and let our hearts sing.

Your name be blessed Lord,
Your Church in love.
What can I say to a Brother who died for me?
-with the song In Christ Alone

Monday, June 1, 2009

what exactly is nothing?

seeing people of all walks of life in all the places,
they have lost their smile.
those who are filled with the enthusiasm, the extreme feeling and urge of the body,
how many have smiled? they laughed, they cheered, but where have the smile and joy been?
what's life? and what are heroes? and what are the spirits of nobility? if we are but homo sapiens.
why are we on earth? and where are we heading to? what are we living for?
who is the person next to me, with the same basic characters that i have: one nose, two eyes, two ears, one heart of four chambers, a brain that have intellects unimaginable, an eye that would tears at times, and a body with zillion of activities running over.
where are we actually? on the earth of a dust-sized, compared to the universe, inventing, developing, researching, manipulating, and perhaps, destroying the blue gem.

none of us gonna take a single piece with us when we die, of that which we did not brought with us when we first open our eyes and see the world. We came with life, and some goes with death, and a life without purpose. In the context of death, what is important? when funerals held, mourners existed, what matters?

In the context of science and intellect, what is morality? In the context of yards of laboratory, what are smiles and tears? In the context of a perishing earth, while some people shouted at the top of their lungs,"go green!" they killed their stillborn child. At the corners of the streets, where the posters hung, promoting the protection of eco, there lay a child, perhaps what they called foetus, only hoping if he could take another breath to call his dad and mom.

we ruled the earth: are we using it or taking care of it? the land that a man owned, how much did he occupied when he died? why can't we let the next generation to see who's living with us in this very age at the other side of the planet?

we got our medals, we got our prizes, we run after what the other shouted, yet, when we are full of white hair, what do we called those things?

and what have relationships been in the books? what exactly have brought us through the odds of life?and what is it that kept us breathing?By what intelligence have one caused my cells to respire? and the heroes and heroines? what drive them to do the right thing even if it gonna break their necks? and what's love?
and what have brought many rich fellows to fly down buildings? and what have disappointments been to the women at the dark corner of life?and what have the innocent paperwork of man with different colours and sizes been? a root of all evil? no, it's the greed that is the root of all evil.

it's nothing, the old man sighed, only wondering where have he been, so far. can i die with with no regrets now? dreams of youth have i reached, what else am i living on earth for?

many live for a century and die with a sigh, yet there are some who live for a decade and planted a mustard tree.

so don't tell me there's nothing to live up for!