Sunday, April 11, 2010

It was church day: Sunday, hearts open, my God took the lost sheep by His own hands.

"Romans 8:38-39: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I was totally devastated before this, I was thinking in the car, about lots of things, things happening lately, long ago, and imagining what is happening next. And I was rather terrible, I was thinking about the youth, a lot of things seems to be needing change. I was ignorant. Lately I feel the talks in Youth aren't relating real lives. Thinking about what happened to Poland's government, I was feeling that somehow the church has not been relating world news. As if the church is not in the world. But I was wrong.
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the night before this, a friend of mine told me about her going to national service, and leaving us, and while encouraging her, I was punching my keypads asking her to keep trusting in God. I stopped. I fell back to my chair. "keep trusting in God." Why haven't I thought of that? The God that has never fail me, not even once, though many times, it seems like He is. But after eachwave of challenge, there is a hammering into the truth, the deep conviction that God knows what He is doing, and because He knows what He is doing, and He loves us, why is my heart so troubled within me?

For at least two weeks I was abnormal, in such a short period of time, I was doing things that I wouldn't do in the past. I was lost, I went somewhere, wandering, but not unguarded, not without supervision, especially not when you arre in a Father's hand.

"While encouraging others, be encouraged, be comforted - a small gentle voice resounded in my head."

I was sitting there with my friend in the seats, while waiting for the service to started. I was also waiting for another friend who promised to have a talk with me since i told her about my condition the day before. While waiting I was flipping through the Bible... read on. I was asking her to pray for me or pray with me. Now, praying alone is one thing, praying with is another.
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Allow me using the tone of an author: Jesus did not just do callings, calling us intoo His kingdom, but more of, we are given a calling, by grace through His death and resurrection. Not asking us to do a favor, but we are given a favor.
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My friend then sat beside me, I was talking to her about the trusting in God thing happened late in the midnight before. And then the service started. And I prayed that God will prepare our hearts... then the worship leader started the songs, the hymms, was initially um, slow? Then I was thinking perhaps I have been too fast these days, too driven - now, if it were that, it's scary.

And I was thinking about the song, "BE THOU MY VISION". Since I-don't-know-when it started, but sometimes, whatever song that I was given to sing whether I was down or happy through the week, the congregation either in youth service or main service, would be singing. [To be frank, I was kind of a music idiot who wasn't good in music.] But hymms after hymms, there was no sight of the hymm... and the sermon started, at first I was really feeling the speaker spoke kinda slow though. Then I was taught to wait, and the speaker then asked us to jott down words that may show what God has done, through the passage Ephesians 1:3-14. I was not good in that, the speaker spoke too fast...

And the speaker continue his sermon, talking about what Paul urge us to do. And the first question in my mind was: Legalism? No, and I was reminded of whatPaul Washer had spoke before, about the passage in the Bible, 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. ..." It is not about what we are supposed to do, but about how our daily living should be, how they must reflect who we are.

And in the end, the speaker showed a video, of how a man actually carry a cross and then he ask the Lord to allow him to cut off a little, and then a little more, and when the reach a place where was a gap, the cross he carried is not long enough to act as a bridge for him to cross, [maybe you've seen this in an e-mail], and these are the words that stays in my mind after that: have we compromise of living worthily? It is never an easy life that Jesus has promised for us on earth. And while the video is being played, the song [i cannot remember much] but this what I've learnt, we are not alone in this journey and Jesus' love never ceases.
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and the closing hymm was this:

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my Heart..."


Then after that, the youth service, all the songs was just as resounding what state I was in. And previously on the Friday, my friend and I were singing the song with guitar, Heart of Worship, and I never thought that a casual song sung with my friend would be also the song for Youth Service.

And our Youth Advisor was speaking on Grace - a subject that if I has passed my Maths, my General Paper, my all other subjects, even if with flying colours, I've failed this one. But yet not I, but God who made it possible for me to pass into His arms, through grace. If I could I would post the whole handout given by my Youth Advisor, but I decided, this one is one of the best part in the handout, consider "THE OUTSIDER" while thinking about what grace means, a poem written by Dave Tippet:

"He was a dweeb in the eyes of some.
A loner.
Strange.
Unpredictable.
He was different.
Spoke of strange things.
Weird things.
Things that no one had heard before.
His dad had a bad reputation with some.
He tried to talk about his relationship with his father.
Few of the teachers listened. Or cared.
He belonged to a gang.
A gang that was considered dangerous.
It roamed the town, causing local authorities trouble.
He got in people's faces.
He hung out with losers.
Rich kid hated him.
Some said Satan was in him.
He called the teachers names.
To their faces.
He lived on the streets.
He called himself God.
He got violent once. He was expelled for it. But he came back.
He talked about his own death calmly.
He promised to come back from the dead.
One of his gang got him arrested.
He defended himself in court. He lost.
The state executed him. It was a horrible death.
On the third day, he kept his promise."

[It was inspired by the shootings at Columbine High School.]
I did not know he was Jesus until the poem was read through almost till the end. Well, we may say, it was inaccurate. In fact, He never regarded Himself as God, or regarded His divinity as something to be grasped, but humbled Himself, even as a man, or more accurately, a death-sentenced-criminal. [Philippians 2:4-11]. In fact, He never really defended Himsef in the court. yada yada. But the more important thing was not the poem, is it the incident that inspired it into being? lest we lost focus, but to what extent is God's grace for you and I?

And most remarkable for me is this: I have forgotten the Jesus I once knew, and was reminded.
Quoting what Nicky Gumbell once said, if it was just for a world which has a population of two - just you and I, Jesus would die on the cross, and gone through all that was written there too and much more than just what is written.

"I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see."

[Many statements of what I feel and written here may not be exactly the truth, not accurate facts about anyone, any group of people, I would appreciate if you let me know if you feel that it should be edited so that it doesn't offend anyone, thankyou]

Friday, April 9, 2010

A personal easter.

I was running at high speed, searching to know what can I do with two hands.
I was determined, but He has a better plan for me.
I was pressed down,my soul cries,
my heart was aching so was my eyes swollen on a Good Friday night.

I've never rejected going to a church function,
When my dad was saying Matha and Mary,
I cannot help but to let my tears flow right down.

So I cried,
"O my God, take me away, bring me back to you;
I really know not what to do.
Please take me back.
Though I am only 17, but O my God, I am really standing at the cliff of giving up, ready to jump down.

"O my son, hear my voice and know that I'm with you"

"My grace is sufficient for you. And my power is made perfect in Your weaknesses."

"Lord I am weak and frail, I know nothing, I failed everything and now my soul -
a restless soul, I really know not what to do."

- Hormones acting in my body, and my thoughts were filthy.
I did too many things that I wouldn't in too short a period of time.

" O Abah, who knows me O God, who could possibly know me?
talking like a preacher and living like a sinner, am I not a hypocrite?"

"O son, how I could I possibly knew nothing that you felt?"

"O Lord, I'm an unworthy servant, why would You love me so much? Why would You ever take notice of me? I've failed You like I've never before. I've sinned, against my God who loves me."

I've forgotten what is right and wrong, I do not know where is my priority and I've failed to remember the most important thing. It was week of a restless soul. I was tired out every night, sleeping right after dinner till the next morning. Events after events, work after work, I tried to minimise talking to anyone. I've no time for family, no time for the people around me.

"It doesn't really matters now, all is done and all is said, and our God has spoken, ' It is finished' "
So my soul, it cries out and know not what is the right response.
"Because I live, you too shall live. And it is to forgive your all your wrong deeds that I died on that tree."

Knowledge of principles, words of mouth, theories all I might have, but it is futile, I gain nothing,
for in applications, not a fraction of them was I be able to apply in my life.
' Life is not easy, life is not simple, so it seems, so it seems."

I was left with no one else, except You O God, no one understands me,
I don't know if it is my fault that other people don't understand me?
But why, O Lord, have I been striving so hard? Real hard.

But God, only You are with me, even when my friends left me,
even when I need friends, none of them are with me, but You are.
Risen Lord, let me remember till I see You face to face,
that You have conquered Man's greatest enemy.
And You have make it possible for Acceptance.

Cast it all away, cast it all out,
Cry it all away, though my eyes are swollen, only
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art,
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word,
I ever with Thee, and Thou with me Lord,
Thou my Great Father and I Thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my breast-plate, my sword for the fight,
Be Thou my armour, and be Thou my might,
Thou my soul's shelter, and Thou my high tower,
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor Man's empty praise,
Thou my inheritance, through all my days,
Thou and Thou only, the first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art,
High King of Heaven, when the battle is done,
Grant Heaven's joy to me, bright Heaven's sun,
Christ of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be Thou my vision, O Ruler of all."

[I really don't know how, I was sinnging this song, whenever I was alone and so down in the week, and on Good Friday's night, my dad actually sent me an e-mail, with exactly the same hymm]

Only let me be quick in Love, or rather, in Love. amen.