Friday, December 3, 2010

Broken.

It has been really really long ever since I last typed something here. As you grow older time flies, it flew so quick and hi and goodbyes became more frequent and you'd wonder why at all. Things happened to people around, or perhaps, to you, but you never realised. And you wonder at all, do you really know what's happening? Do you really know the people around you?

There's so many lecturers that leaving us. And so many friends that are leaving for studies.

I don't know what happened, but for a real long time[at least, I don't remember since when I have that thought] I've been thinking about what would happened if I'm dead. Would people around me, those people I cherished most, remember me? Or at least, come for my funeral? And would I be leaving a blessing, or just, nothing? Would someone said to his or her friend, "this guy, has done something in my life, though it has been long since the Lord took him home."? Are they thoughts of leaving a legacy, pushing me to live a life more meaningful, or perhaps am I self-glorifying? I hope it's the former, never the latter. And only few most important questions that I've summarise: Have I truly live a life as a signpost, one that point to truth and life, and a home that worth for eternal blessings and not destruction? Have I at least, point them to the Lord who loves us enough to die for us?

People have been saying that "he's "holy", he is the last person i'd think of to do that, he is a nice guy, he is ...[I should stop all these]" it sounds a little unsound sometimes. which one really knows me and would stand with me side by side as soldiers in this tough Fight? Which can I call best friend? And what then is best friend? And to those who may be saying that you are my best friend, may I ask, have I been one for you?

I don't think there's such a thing call "you've grown too fast", is there? But really, there's so much more that I've not known.

Recently, I've been thinking about lots of stuff. I've come to a point where I know that I can't like anyone, at least now. For I've been too fickle, wherever I go somewhere, met new people, I'm attracted to this or that girl.

And li yang has a real wise point, he read and shared with me from a book titled "kissing dating goodbye", "that we shouldn't get into relationship until we treat girls as how they should be treated, not with the intent that one day she can become our girlfriend." That really struck me, I don't know why, or since when, I failed to treat girls as persons. I felt sorry. It's not because it's not true that each girl has a possibility of become my partner in life, but because I'm not really honoring them as persons, as precious of God.

I've watched Toy Story 3 and I'm guilty, for my heart have not been pure.

Some guys always talked about girls, talked about their figures and everything, and some said that masturbating is healthy, some say pornography is not wrong because everyone watches it. But what makes an action right or wrong? Where's the honor and where's the integrity that guys should give ladies? And where's the integrity and dignity of gentlemen? Where's this love the world lost? People sang love, talked love, whisper love, or even make love,but my foot, what in the world was that? I hope that the first line of this paragraph, those words "some" will not be replaced by "most", and never "all".

I once read an article about child prostituting and sex-trafficking, and there's this picture, showing an innocent girl, crying, trying to hide herself, facing the wall, and there's a guy, half naked, that approaches her, trying to hold her arms. And the caption there wrote something like: "a customer is trying to woo a young girl." The girl is just about preteen age I guessed. and what tomorrow would she have faced? What childhood could she have? And I wonder, what is the photographer doing? What "woo"? Is the little girl nothing more than an animal? Perhaps evolution theory got too much into the head of these people. Deep sadness.

I wonder how many children in the world is crying. I wonder how many nights they've been crying, hoping to see the dawn in their dusk of lives where they should be with their family, in shopping centres enjoying dinner. but... could anyone blame God for what human did? Is it not our society has turned us into?

the love of money has swollen governments, hearts, families and so much more. For the profit, a government would allow her people to be taken over by drugs and cigarettes. For the profit, a person would sell a innocent child to another, to fulfill the lustful cravings. Oh dear.

There's such an irony there, some that have a chance to protect themselves and honor their body did not do so; yet some, were never given a chance till when they are able, and by that time, perhaps it's too late, or just, they sunk too deep to have that desire to get a new life. And in the midst of these horror that's happening, where do we, those who are luckier, or blessed, stand? Are we just like those animals out there that called themselves human, or someone who could make a difference?

Thank You Lord, for giving us a reason for existence, thank You for we know we're fearfully and wonderfully made, and You have a plan and hope to prosper us, to give us a future and a hope. Use us to make that difference here on this broken earth.

- Almost reaching the end of 2010. :)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

It was church day: Sunday, hearts open, my God took the lost sheep by His own hands.

"Romans 8:38-39: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I was totally devastated before this, I was thinking in the car, about lots of things, things happening lately, long ago, and imagining what is happening next. And I was rather terrible, I was thinking about the youth, a lot of things seems to be needing change. I was ignorant. Lately I feel the talks in Youth aren't relating real lives. Thinking about what happened to Poland's government, I was feeling that somehow the church has not been relating world news. As if the church is not in the world. But I was wrong.
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the night before this, a friend of mine told me about her going to national service, and leaving us, and while encouraging her, I was punching my keypads asking her to keep trusting in God. I stopped. I fell back to my chair. "keep trusting in God." Why haven't I thought of that? The God that has never fail me, not even once, though many times, it seems like He is. But after eachwave of challenge, there is a hammering into the truth, the deep conviction that God knows what He is doing, and because He knows what He is doing, and He loves us, why is my heart so troubled within me?

For at least two weeks I was abnormal, in such a short period of time, I was doing things that I wouldn't do in the past. I was lost, I went somewhere, wandering, but not unguarded, not without supervision, especially not when you arre in a Father's hand.

"While encouraging others, be encouraged, be comforted - a small gentle voice resounded in my head."

I was sitting there with my friend in the seats, while waiting for the service to started. I was also waiting for another friend who promised to have a talk with me since i told her about my condition the day before. While waiting I was flipping through the Bible... read on. I was asking her to pray for me or pray with me. Now, praying alone is one thing, praying with is another.
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Allow me using the tone of an author: Jesus did not just do callings, calling us intoo His kingdom, but more of, we are given a calling, by grace through His death and resurrection. Not asking us to do a favor, but we are given a favor.
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My friend then sat beside me, I was talking to her about the trusting in God thing happened late in the midnight before. And then the service started. And I prayed that God will prepare our hearts... then the worship leader started the songs, the hymms, was initially um, slow? Then I was thinking perhaps I have been too fast these days, too driven - now, if it were that, it's scary.

And I was thinking about the song, "BE THOU MY VISION". Since I-don't-know-when it started, but sometimes, whatever song that I was given to sing whether I was down or happy through the week, the congregation either in youth service or main service, would be singing. [To be frank, I was kind of a music idiot who wasn't good in music.] But hymms after hymms, there was no sight of the hymm... and the sermon started, at first I was really feeling the speaker spoke kinda slow though. Then I was taught to wait, and the speaker then asked us to jott down words that may show what God has done, through the passage Ephesians 1:3-14. I was not good in that, the speaker spoke too fast...

And the speaker continue his sermon, talking about what Paul urge us to do. And the first question in my mind was: Legalism? No, and I was reminded of whatPaul Washer had spoke before, about the passage in the Bible, 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. ..." It is not about what we are supposed to do, but about how our daily living should be, how they must reflect who we are.

And in the end, the speaker showed a video, of how a man actually carry a cross and then he ask the Lord to allow him to cut off a little, and then a little more, and when the reach a place where was a gap, the cross he carried is not long enough to act as a bridge for him to cross, [maybe you've seen this in an e-mail], and these are the words that stays in my mind after that: have we compromise of living worthily? It is never an easy life that Jesus has promised for us on earth. And while the video is being played, the song [i cannot remember much] but this what I've learnt, we are not alone in this journey and Jesus' love never ceases.
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and the closing hymm was this:

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my Heart..."


Then after that, the youth service, all the songs was just as resounding what state I was in. And previously on the Friday, my friend and I were singing the song with guitar, Heart of Worship, and I never thought that a casual song sung with my friend would be also the song for Youth Service.

And our Youth Advisor was speaking on Grace - a subject that if I has passed my Maths, my General Paper, my all other subjects, even if with flying colours, I've failed this one. But yet not I, but God who made it possible for me to pass into His arms, through grace. If I could I would post the whole handout given by my Youth Advisor, but I decided, this one is one of the best part in the handout, consider "THE OUTSIDER" while thinking about what grace means, a poem written by Dave Tippet:

"He was a dweeb in the eyes of some.
A loner.
Strange.
Unpredictable.
He was different.
Spoke of strange things.
Weird things.
Things that no one had heard before.
His dad had a bad reputation with some.
He tried to talk about his relationship with his father.
Few of the teachers listened. Or cared.
He belonged to a gang.
A gang that was considered dangerous.
It roamed the town, causing local authorities trouble.
He got in people's faces.
He hung out with losers.
Rich kid hated him.
Some said Satan was in him.
He called the teachers names.
To their faces.
He lived on the streets.
He called himself God.
He got violent once. He was expelled for it. But he came back.
He talked about his own death calmly.
He promised to come back from the dead.
One of his gang got him arrested.
He defended himself in court. He lost.
The state executed him. It was a horrible death.
On the third day, he kept his promise."

[It was inspired by the shootings at Columbine High School.]
I did not know he was Jesus until the poem was read through almost till the end. Well, we may say, it was inaccurate. In fact, He never regarded Himself as God, or regarded His divinity as something to be grasped, but humbled Himself, even as a man, or more accurately, a death-sentenced-criminal. [Philippians 2:4-11]. In fact, He never really defended Himsef in the court. yada yada. But the more important thing was not the poem, is it the incident that inspired it into being? lest we lost focus, but to what extent is God's grace for you and I?

And most remarkable for me is this: I have forgotten the Jesus I once knew, and was reminded.
Quoting what Nicky Gumbell once said, if it was just for a world which has a population of two - just you and I, Jesus would die on the cross, and gone through all that was written there too and much more than just what is written.

"I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see."

[Many statements of what I feel and written here may not be exactly the truth, not accurate facts about anyone, any group of people, I would appreciate if you let me know if you feel that it should be edited so that it doesn't offend anyone, thankyou]

Friday, April 9, 2010

A personal easter.

I was running at high speed, searching to know what can I do with two hands.
I was determined, but He has a better plan for me.
I was pressed down,my soul cries,
my heart was aching so was my eyes swollen on a Good Friday night.

I've never rejected going to a church function,
When my dad was saying Matha and Mary,
I cannot help but to let my tears flow right down.

So I cried,
"O my God, take me away, bring me back to you;
I really know not what to do.
Please take me back.
Though I am only 17, but O my God, I am really standing at the cliff of giving up, ready to jump down.

"O my son, hear my voice and know that I'm with you"

"My grace is sufficient for you. And my power is made perfect in Your weaknesses."

"Lord I am weak and frail, I know nothing, I failed everything and now my soul -
a restless soul, I really know not what to do."

- Hormones acting in my body, and my thoughts were filthy.
I did too many things that I wouldn't in too short a period of time.

" O Abah, who knows me O God, who could possibly know me?
talking like a preacher and living like a sinner, am I not a hypocrite?"

"O son, how I could I possibly knew nothing that you felt?"

"O Lord, I'm an unworthy servant, why would You love me so much? Why would You ever take notice of me? I've failed You like I've never before. I've sinned, against my God who loves me."

I've forgotten what is right and wrong, I do not know where is my priority and I've failed to remember the most important thing. It was week of a restless soul. I was tired out every night, sleeping right after dinner till the next morning. Events after events, work after work, I tried to minimise talking to anyone. I've no time for family, no time for the people around me.

"It doesn't really matters now, all is done and all is said, and our God has spoken, ' It is finished' "
So my soul, it cries out and know not what is the right response.
"Because I live, you too shall live. And it is to forgive your all your wrong deeds that I died on that tree."

Knowledge of principles, words of mouth, theories all I might have, but it is futile, I gain nothing,
for in applications, not a fraction of them was I be able to apply in my life.
' Life is not easy, life is not simple, so it seems, so it seems."

I was left with no one else, except You O God, no one understands me,
I don't know if it is my fault that other people don't understand me?
But why, O Lord, have I been striving so hard? Real hard.

But God, only You are with me, even when my friends left me,
even when I need friends, none of them are with me, but You are.
Risen Lord, let me remember till I see You face to face,
that You have conquered Man's greatest enemy.
And You have make it possible for Acceptance.

Cast it all away, cast it all out,
Cry it all away, though my eyes are swollen, only
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art,
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word,
I ever with Thee, and Thou with me Lord,
Thou my Great Father and I Thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my breast-plate, my sword for the fight,
Be Thou my armour, and be Thou my might,
Thou my soul's shelter, and Thou my high tower,
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor Man's empty praise,
Thou my inheritance, through all my days,
Thou and Thou only, the first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art,
High King of Heaven, when the battle is done,
Grant Heaven's joy to me, bright Heaven's sun,
Christ of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be Thou my vision, O Ruler of all."

[I really don't know how, I was sinnging this song, whenever I was alone and so down in the week, and on Good Friday's night, my dad actually sent me an e-mail, with exactly the same hymm]

Only let me be quick in Love, or rather, in Love. amen.

Friday, February 5, 2010

My First Love

My first love.
I do not know what u will feel after reading this, I just want to pour out some things here. Do not think that I’m a spiritual man or a holy person, do not separate my life into piece by piece, and don’t be so cruel, separating my life into secularism and non-secular. I am just having Life.

I am only 17 years old, but lots of things have happened on me, and many of the things I’ve experienced. I was as good as dead when I was 16. Sexually obsessed, masturbation, porn, proud and arrogant, indignant, though I was pretty much involved in great activities, missionary trip, but behind my physical, there’s nothing but a dry soul.
I like animals and nature since young, and decided to become a vet one day. But d’Na – if there you feed a man a fish, you feed him for a meal, but if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life; if I’m given but some lectures, I was just being moved, but d’Na forge new generations of young thinkers, and I, am one the benefited one. Forever changed, not by D’na, but God. And through d’na, a heart to think Life, love Life is created in me.

Given all those knowledge, I was but loafer. One evening, I was struck down by His love and forgiveness, Matt 5 is one of the first few passages that God spoke through to me. Knowing all that He has done as an historical incident, an incident that break the limits of man reaching God, and now God reaching man. I was reading one day the Gospel, knowing that Christ shamefully stripped and whipped and crucified, my heart and mind was put to the very scene that evening, and knowing He died that wicked and sinner Raymond because of love. I finally realized what forgiveness is after all.

I was lost in the world, He found me, and I found life, I’ll not live my life the same again. I found myself in none other but Christ Himself.