i'm nt alone. sought out by a King's hand.

Really tired, I feel like as if I'm walking through Sahara dessert. Worst of all, feel like walking it, alone. Not that this is first time. Not that I've escaped from the feeling last time I faced it, but I've come with some help from above, and overcome it. And now? I wonder how did I.

My class wasn't big. My friends circle? [gulp] Should be quite big. Perhaps that's the problem, quite big. I wonder is it becouse there are many in that circle, or just the few are not close. Know the state of matter? Yeah, I just wonder is it because it's high in volume, or just - low in density.

"I've had enough, that's it, why isn't there any friends that would at least talk to me? Yes, talk to me and don't care whether I'll answer. Talk to me, initiate the conversation. It's have been real long time since the time someone initiate to relate to me - text me before I text them, ask me before I hint, comfort me before I groan and cry [these words really don't mean you should]. Intimidation, the word I learnt yesterday, and it no longer became a stranger to me, just today.

So small, so insignificant, whether I'm here or not, it makes no difference, the class has no place for me, my friends seem to leave a line before they leave me at a corner, the dark, cold, lonely place. I've become non-existant, I've become the forgotten.

Don't they realise that I need their care and concern? Don't they see that I'm lonely? Talk to me then. Why, have I done wrong? Have I acted as if I'm high and holy? Have I pretend? Have I acted? Have I stain myself with wrong attitude? Then let me know, don't just leave me alone. Why each one of them have their own group, own circle, but not so with me? It leaves me to wonder, why, and what have I done wrong."

"Jesus, Jesus, have they rejected me because I believe in You, or have they push me away because of what I say? or because I've really done wrong? I know I'm not alone, I know not abandoned, I know You're with me, but, why?"

"Raymond, raymond, why have you forgotten those years before? Have you forgotten those times when your friends love you, those times that your friend celebrate your existance, remember the time when you just said a word, see how they responded? They, if you remember, would come from afar, some in town, some from other places, just to celebrate. And each message that they wrote, didn't each of them make you cry? Why do you listen to the voice of the downfall, the deception of loneliness? The lies of rejection? You have the humility word, didn't you? Not to think about yourself so much, but rather think about others, perhaps you've think about others, and now you feel dry, and drained. Perhaps you've stop receiving the Love your Father gave. Think about Christ. Who are you to let Him put His robe and save you, even it demands His blood? Who are you, a once nobody, to let God treat you as somebody. Not to mentioned the time when you are ungrateful. Not to mentioned the things you've done without any regard of the One who loves you. And those who love you. Think about your friends, your parents, your brothers and sisters in Christ, they loved you, don't they?huhh?"

"And I love you."

That voice. It's just too familiar. My soul knows it. My heart remembers it. And did I? did I really forgotten? Why have I lose sight of Christ then?

I did much worse, isn't " think about Christ" the message I wanted to send yesterday night? I did remmeber, though many times I've failed, distracted by what I'm suppose to see, the voice of God, I would promise, have never been distant for my evenings of despair.

Gladness. The "too glad" feeling, remember?

Life is so much brighter. Joyous. Memorable. Now I'll smile. And I praise You, God!

When the dawn comes, darkness pass, who will I remember? Will I remember the gentle hand that was upon me? And the many, yes many, that stood beside me?

[PS: I love you all, kay? No grudge on any of you, seriously. Each of you made part of my life. =)]